In the nearly three years since I fought for my life and lost my natural voice, I feel like I’ve come a long way. I work hard to frame things positively. But as anyone with a speech diversity can tell you, one of the most challenging situations is being in a loud, crowded space filled with overlapping conversations. I found myself in just such a situation last night.
I had been looking forward to this weekend—a big family gathering for my mother-in-law's 90th birthday, with many relatives I haven’t seen since my journey began. Last night, we had a smaller pre-gathering at a local restaurant/bar, about 20 people in total. I was excited and prepped by pairing my two larger Bose speakers in "party mode." We walked in, and of course, the speakers that had worked seamlessly moments before suddenly stopped.
I should have just hugged everyone and nodded, but I was thrown off by the mechanical failure. Instead, I fumbled through the greetings (mistake one).
Once I got the speakers running, I realized the space was just too loud. Unless someone was practically holding a speaker, I couldn’t be heard. I found myself awkwardly juggling the speakers while trying to text-to-talk. Yet, I persisted. I managed to connect with one of my little nieces, who didn’t remember me from 'before', and I told her I was part robot. 😊
Unfortunately, an inconsiderate relative pulled a passive-aggressive move that got inside my head.
By the time I got back to the car, everything came crashing down. The rude comment, the awkwardness, the difficulty of communication—all of it overwhelmed me. I had walked in as a confident survivor but left feeling like a crying, insecure disabled woman. Even this morning, my mindset is still affected.
I’m working on it. I’m reframing my experience. I chatted with a friend, which helped. My husband and daughters talked me through it, and that made a difference. I will return to being that confident survivor.
We all face these moments. Scars heal, and life moves on. It’s easy for everyone to forget, even ourselves, that we can still feel fragile inside. This battle has not left us unscathed.
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